Thursday, December 31, 2009


I am SO TIRED of false "empowerment" MASQUERADING AS FEMINISM. Didn't you hear, ladies? These days, stripping is *empowered*! It makes you an independent woman! It's not at all degrading to have your body looked at like an object by men; nope, it means you're taking charge of your own life!

This is fucked up in so many ways. Okay, first of all, I'm not putting down sex workers - I think they are in a terrible situation in which society has told them that they must be sexy, but only for the benefit of men. Really, all girls and women are in this situation. Don't you notice how everywhere you look, you're being told to be sexy, but at the same time, you're hearing that if you have sex before marriage you're a skank? Do men get the same message? It doesn't even make sense for men to be glorified for being studs while girls are called whores, because in case anybody didn't notice those men have to be having sex with someone.

In any case, back to Hugh Hefner. So there's this article in the Chicago Tribune, from just a couple of weeks ago. Let me quote a choice paragraph.

And the fullness of Hefner's vision -- the fact that it encompassed more than just provocative photo spreads -- means that Hefner and his opponents, including some major feminists, actually may have been fighting on the same side. Fraterrigo writes: "Playboy's distaste for traditional domestic roles, affirmations of women's right to enjoy sex outside of marriage, and support for women's reproductive freedom all embolden Hefner to assert, quite seriously, a half-century after starting his magazine, 'I was a feminist before there was such a thing as feminism.' "

Let's see... "distaste for traditional domestic roles... affirmations of women's right to enjoy sex outside of marriage... support for women's reproductive freedom." All sounds great, right? Yeah, maybe if you're talking about something that's, y'know, FOR women. Maybe if it's not about women outside of these traditional domestic roles just there to please guys. Maybe if it's something actually ABOUT THE WOMEN. What the fuck, Elizabeth Fraterrigo (author of the "enlightening new book" (Chicago Tribune's words) "Playboy and the Making of the Good Life in Modern America")?? So you're saying women now have a "Good Life" because their sexiness is appreciated? Well guess what, Elizabeth? Women who get pregnant are still going to be called a slut.

Taking the Playboy culture as a sign of women's empowerment -- that women are being appreciated for something besides cooking, cleaning, and babies -- is like giving up.

Once we get an inch, we're not even going to try for the mile we deserve? We're just going to take that and say "well, it's more than we got before! I'm happy being appreciated for my body!" And by the way, that's an attractive (in the eyes of pop culture) woman's privilege, to be able to take this as empowerment. Playboy doesn't celebrate all types of bodies, does it? Lizzie Miller, the "plus-sized" model (looks like a normal person to me) who sat on the cover of Glamour, would never be a Playmate of the Month. And thank god, because she appreciates her body too much for that anyway.

Pseudo-feminists need to realize already that's it's not "taking it too far" too want, y'know, actual appreciation, to not contribute to this disgusting culture in which it's considered empowered to be a centerfold for a porn magazine.

Non-existent readers, I think feminists have a way healthier view of sexuality. Everyone should appreciate themselves as a sexual being, not as a sexual object for someone else. God, I'm just pissed off now.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Being Gay

I call myself gay. If someone says, "Are you gay?" I usually answer "yes." Occasionally I'll say something like "mostly," or "about half." I'm female, and I like girls and guys (and probably would like anyone in between). I'm also quite young. I'm going to now share a quite personal story, because it's important for these sort of stories to be out there, despite people's inhibitions created by society.

I went to an all-girls school for all of my life and was raised mostly unaware of even the idea of sexuality. The concept of "having sex" was explained to me by my older sister at the age of ten. Like most kids, it was gross to me. At eleven my oldest sister told me about homosexuality. I don't remember the details, just that I became aware of it. I asked pretty normal questions, I think, like, "How do they have sex?" (I received the answer "oral sex," which I found befuddling until I worked out that it had to do with using mouths as vaginas and tongues as penises, sort of. That was the impression I got, which I found too horrifying to consider so I ended up pretending oral sex meant French kissing for a while, just to avoid thinking about the other possibility, which was slightly closer to the truth.)

Anyway, I found this extremely intriguing and spent much time thinking about it, knowing somehow that at least one of us four sisters would be gay and knowing somewhere deep down that one of those at least one would be me. The same way girls daydream about boys and kissing, I wondered if I'd kiss my best friend when she visited, whether I'd magically be in love with someone and she'd be in love with me. This never happened, and I remained a romantically unsatisfied young girl, rather usual for an eleven-year-old.

It was when I was twelve, seventh grade in school, that I first fell for a girl. The reasons I loved her were mostly made up. But the facts are that she was new, she was very pretty, she had similar music tastes to mine (something extremely rare for me to find), and I think I had just been looking for someone to go all head-over-heels for. I went to her house once, and then after that I was just awkward and weird and terrible around her. I figured out the whole "oh damn I really like girls" thing, and then it was this... this huge thing, like, it was bothering me so much that it was this huge secret. I went to a Catholic school, I was twelve years old, I had a huge crush on a classmate and I knew it was damn well obvious, and I was lost in a sea of confusion. This occupied my life, taking over my depression and just making it all about this.

So I did what I always thought you were supposed to do, I told my close friends and family. Only to be met with ridicule from my sisters and parents, telling me that I couldn't know who I liked because I hadn't had any sexual experiences. I got so frustrated trying to explain it, that that didn't matter, that I was fucking old enough to know who I would or would not like to date!!!! It was just so unfair. After months of angsting, I "came out" on Myspace and Facebook, which was... well, just plain awkward. Then I kind of pretended none of this had ever happened. I had stopped liking the girl a couple of months after I started, but it had seemed too late, like everybody knew, now that it was over anyway. It was really just a brief infatuation.

By the next year I had realized I can't make a giant deal out of this because (a) I don't need to define myself by my sexuality, and (b) I don't need the hassle. But I think everybody knew, and when we got into arguments with my religion teacher about homosexuality and talked about them at lunch, I think it was just an established fact that I liked girls and guys. I wouldn't say my peers are homophobic, I just think that were a "totally" gay person to go to our school, they would find themselves alienating that person.

So here I am. I'm fifteen, and I think boys are beautiful but I really want a girlfriend. I know this is probably not going to happen. I'm in high school. Here I am, and I'm just going to sit around fantasizing for a few years, most likely. People don't make a big deal out of it at all. But I had a huge argument with my dad today, and I really started this to talk about some of the issues we discussed, and then somehow I launched into story telling time.

Well, I was talking about how the MPAA rating system is bullshit, and how they rate homosexuality a lot harder than heterosexuality - how just the presence of it is enough to be considered "sexual content" even if only kissing is shown. This is obviously true, and obviously an issue, even not in films - look at Buffy the Vampire Slayer, they couldn't show a lesbian kiss for a year, and couldn't imply sex until they changed networks. And my dad completely misinterpreted everything, and such, but I just really think this is related in a lot of ways to how I feel about being told I'm "too young to know."

Homosexuality isn't inherently more sexual than heterosexuality. People don't tell eleven-year-olds they're "too young to know" they like the opposite sex. It's not some "decision." It has nothing to do with sexual encounters, it's just about what you want. (And yes, for the record, my dad things that (a) premenstrual women can't know about their sexuality - bullshit - and (b) a man, for example, who has only had sex with a man cannot claim to be bisexual because he's never been with a woman. Both wrong assumptions, completely missing the point.)

I guess I'm just frustrated. That I can't Be Gay without it being a Giant Deal in Capital Letters that has to do with - gasp - Sex. Like, it really, really doesn't. I mean - it does, of course, but... saying I like girls too doesn't imply that I'm sexually active, that I'm doing inappropriate things for my age, that I'm too sexual. It just means I've actually figured out what I want.

Here's the thing. I'm fifteen. I think dating would be nice. I'm sure most people agree that it's okay for fifteen-year-olds to go out with people their age. I'm not even asking to have sex. I just want to go out with someone, and right now I feel like it being a girl. I'm not even saying that's always going to be my preference - I KNOW it's not.

But this is what I want NOW. And honestly, that's what's important. I want the decisions I make about now to be respected, and not held up to some bullshit idea that I can't know what I want because I'm "too young."

Thursday, December 24, 2009

movies i have seen in '09 in theatres

01. (500) Days of Summer (Marc Webb/Scott Neudstater & Michael H. Weber)
02. Whip It (Drew Barrymore/Shauna Cross)
03. Where the Wild Things Are (Spike Jonze/Spike Jonze & Dave Eggers)
04. Pirate Radio (Richard Curtis/Richard Curtis)
05. Away We Go (Sam Mendes/Dave Eggers & Vendela Vida)

06. Taking Woodstock (Ang Lee)
07. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (David Yates)
08. The Princess and the Frog (Ron Clements & John Musker)

09. Nine (Rob Marshall)
10. The Proposal (Anne Fletcher)
11. Julie & Julia (Nora Ephron)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Subjugation of Women Through Indian Literature

Read my paper here, if you want.

Monday, December 7, 2009


1. I didn't mean to imply that my sister isn't really ever sad or depressed, or that her feelings are more shallow than mine. I just meant that the level of concern for her was higher and that made me feel worse. Also, she is a great sister and I talked to her a bit yesterday and at least now I have a little more will to go on - it is like her talking to me gave me an extra spurt of juice that I really, really needed for the day. I probably wouldn't have woken up in the morning on time without her, I would have been too depressed to care about getting to school.

2. She said something about her friend about the "unnameable, vague weight" holding her back. That is basically what I feel.

3. But also empty. So both nonexistent and heavier than anything. This doesn't make sense. My feelings are clearly paradoxical bullshit.

4. I like music. If I listen to it all the time, I'll be happy! Right? I made a ton of mixes. They are good. If I had readers, I would share them with you. (This blog is mental masturbation. It is an interaction with myself only. That is okay though.)

5. I don't know if I want to exist more or less but this is not a nice in between stage.

Current Mix:
A History Of Lovers Iron & Wine
Story Of Isaac (Leonard Cohen) Mirah & The Black Cat Orchestra
The Mariner's Revenge Song The Decemberists
The Sun Goes Down and the World Goes Dancing Magnetic Fields
King Of Carrot Flowers Part 1 Neutral Milk Hotel
Clark Gable The Postal Service
Mary Ann regina spektor
Fairytale Sara Bareilles
Celebration Guns Stars
John Wayne Gacy, Jr. Sufjan Stevens
Failure Laura Marling
Wet Blanket Metric
Margaret vs. Pauline Neko Case
Ride Liz Phair
Ha Ha Mates Of State
Hello Resolven Beulah

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Shit. lots of it.

I was going to write a long post talking about all the reasons I'm depressed but here is what it comes down to: I am so fucking tired of being depressed for the past four and a half years, but just being tired of feeling this way isn't going to change it. And I just keep on digging myself deeper and doing stupid things that make everything worse. And I feel good when I'm out with friends but then everything just sucks and sucks and sucks and keeps sucking. And my dad asks my sister 'why are you so depressed' when she's just really tired and gets mad at me for being 'pissy.' They wonder why I don't open up to them about things, but that's because my dad either dismisses everything as me being a bitch or as just funny and my mom just gets mad about every little thing. He joked about anorexia yesterday. What kind of doctor makes jokes about anorexia?

I want to stop eating and break my body and sleep for hours and hours and hours and days.

I feel this black hole in me and I'm so sick of this feeling. Also my friend in history class is really sweet but I don't want to talk to people because then I just cry and god I am a pest.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Not quite my life, according to the Dresden Dolls

You know those note memes on Facebook where you answer a set of questions all using song titles from the same artist? I thought it would be amusing to do it for the Dresden Dolls... and it was.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me (presuming I'm someone you like). You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick your Artist:
The Dresden Dolls

Are you a male or female:
Sex Changes

Describe yourself:
Girl Anachronism

How do you feel:

Describe where you currently live:
Me & The Minibar

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
Shores of California

Your favourite form of transportation:
The Jeep Song

Your best friend?
Coin-Operated Boy

You and your best friend are:
A Night at the Roses

What's the weather like:
Good Day

Favourite time of day:
Modern Moonlighht

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
My Alcoholic Friends

What is life to you:
Necessary Evil

Your relationship:

Your fear:
First Orgasm

What is the best advice you have to give:

Thought for the Day:

How I would like to die:

My soul's present condition:
Dirty Business

My motto:
The Time has Come

Monday, November 2, 2009

Voodoo recap time!

I went to the Voodoo Experience at City Park this weekend and it was great and I want to tell you, my non-existent readers, ALL about it.

This was my original plan:

5:40 The Black Keys

Got there in time to see a little bit, wasn't anything particularly memorable considering I was there for like five minutes.

6:00 MyNameIsJohnMichael

Left The Black Keys early to make it to MyNameIsJohnMichael, and they were finished already! They must have played just a thirty-minute set or something.

8:00 Justice

Really truly totally awesometastically awesome! So much fun and awesome.... DISCO! DISCO DISCO! Was an hour and a half, couldn't hear a thing afterwards.

8:50 Fischerspooner

Didn't get to see. :( Was over by the time Justice finished.

1:15 Black Lips

Missed. :(

3:15 Mates of State

Aaaah! So great, so happymaking, so adorable and just looooooove. God. They were really amazing.

4:50 Gogol Bordello

Fun, but only song I knew was "Start Wearing Purple!" and we had left the crowd by then. Still pretty awesome.

6:30 Wolfmother

I think we just didn't feel like seeing them.

7:35 Jane's Addiction

Haha completely ridiculous. We left about 8:15, we didn't really feel like staying for the whole set.

9:00 KISS

Hahah, no. We didn't wait around for them.

2:15 The Pogues

Play practice... sigh.

3:15 Widespread Panic

Play practice...

4:15 Squirrel Nut Zippers

Play practice.

5:45 The Flaming Lips

So awesome!!!! Due to cellular complications I ended up alone during this show but it was just so great it was like a giant party and Wayne Coyne was in a hamsterball and everybody was happy and also they came out of a vagina at the beginning.

7:00 Lenny Kravitz

Did not see due to parents wanting my friends home early. Stupid.

Anyway I am at school now and about five thousand times less happy.

Bands I Have Seen

This post will stay here and be updated.

stars 08/04/06
the polyphonic spree 08/03/07
regina spektor 08/04/07
foxtail somersault 08/01/08
sofia talvik 08/01/08
bon iver 08/07/09
andrew bird 08/07/09
ben folds 08/07/09
the decemberists 08/07/09
glasvegas 08/08/09
neko case 08/09/09
justice 10/30/09
mates of state 10/31/09
gogol bordello 10/31/09
jane's addiction 10/31/09
the flaming lips 11/01/09

Ramayana, interlude

That whole section was just whoa. So patriarchal and so disturbing and disgusting and awful. I mean, all this time he's been longing for her and talking about how much he misses her, and then she comes back and he says that because she's been living in another's house, she's too impure for him? Really? She was kidnapped! And this is coming from the guy who slaughtered Vali and did so many wrong things in the time she was waiting to be rescued. Notice Hanuman tries desperately to stop Bharatha from immolating himself but doesn't care when Sita, a woman, wants to throw herself in the fire.

Also, she's his wife and is supposed to have this great relationship with him, but when she sees him she prostrates himself at her feet, which is a gesture used for people above you. I find this disturbing that that's how she would greet her husband. No hug, no kiss, no words? Oh wait, women can't SPEAK their MIND, I forgot! Good thing Sita had that long period of isolation to brood on how improper she used to be, actually telling her husband what she wanted, otherwise she'd never have learned to hold her tongue, and we couldn't have that! God this makes me MAD. He's so full of himself and just gets off on Sita's total reliance and submission, it's disgusting.

I truly do not understand why Sita would want to be with him. I think she has been screwed over by the system and is ignorant of how she's being used. Doesn't she realized Rama doesn't care about her? He cares about being with her.

On page 150, it says, "In Sita's case Ravana, in spite of repeated and desperate attempts, could not approach her. She had remained inviolable." Yes, it's obviously great that Ravana was not able to rape her because of his curse. However, there's a clear implication that if he had raped her, she would have been considered unfaithful and would have burned in the fire. So only by virtue of someone else being unable to violate her without her permission was she considered "pure." Basically, her purity rests on the actions of men. As a woman, she neither makes nor can make any decisions that would lead to her either being pure or impure; she cannot be forward and make a move if she wants someone, nor can she fight back if someone wants her. It's entirely out of her hands, and yet her punishment rests on whether she is "pure" or "impure," an entirely arbitrary and unfair judgment.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Ramayana, chapter 4

Love in this chapter, as in the rest of the book so far, is portrayed as purely physical and based on appearance. This is why Soorpanaka feels she needs to lie with her appearance to be loved by Rama. The "love" wouldn't be based on some kind of soul connection, it's depicted as purely lust and so she needs to change her appearance. (Side note: I love his line about building "her edifice of falsehoods higher and higher." Certainly a cooler phrase than the common "web of lies.") In a way, I sort of admire Soorpanaka's determination to get what she wants -- she doesn't care about the class system, her ugliness in her normal form, or anything else that would get in her way. It's kind of cool that she isn't, like probably other women of the time, willing to be submissive or just follow the rules. Of course, this very quality leads to her getting her womanhood ripped from her, in a way -- way earlier in the book, it's established that you can be violent to a woman once she has stepped out of the bounds of what a woman is "supposed" to be like. Soorpanaka has done this by wanting something (or someone) and trying to get it. She's defied what she's supposed to be by virtue of her gender, and therefore she's no longer considered a woman. This is shown when Lakshmana is violent to her and in fact chops her breasts off, which is sort of symbolic since breasts have been the defining characteristic of women in this book so far, and now that they're taken away from her it shows she's not considered a woman.

Soorpanaka is shown as the outlier in a graph of "ideal" women. If Rama is the ideal man, then Sita is the ideal woman--one who cleaves to her husband, who during times of stress or trouble simply clings to his side and is willing to be "protected" by him. Soorpanaka is punished for not being this ideal, for going after what SHE wants, rather than what someone ELSE wants for her.

Friday, September 25, 2009

My So-Called Life

I love Claire Danes. I love My So-Called Life. Ok, so I've only seen the pilot so far. But god it is good! It's so REAL. The voiceovers are great -- showing all the random things people think about, like, "Isn't it weird how people just CHEW? It's just a thing they DO... and they do it in PUBLIC."

Anyway, it is just so great. Aaaah.

Edit: Rima is watching it now. YAY for once I got HER into something.

Monday, September 14, 2009


First of all, this show seems to be pretty damn awesome so far. Second, since I have nothing else to do tonight, I am going to do a quick little rebuttal of some points made by the PTC in their rating of Glee as the worst show of the week (meaning not that it's bad but that it's not appropriate). Keep in mind I know that these PTC people are no threat, and will in fact probably give Glee a boost in popularity, but I figure I might as well just point out the obvious flaws in their logic. I am bored.

Parents, please be aware: Glee (Wednesdays, 9:00 p.m. ET) is not High School Musical: the T.V. Series. Don’t let the singing and dancing and high school setting fool you. This is an edgy, sexually-charged adult series that is inappropriate for teenagers. Unfortunately, Fox has marketed the show heavily at tween audiences. What did those pre-adolescents tune into when the show finally premiered in its regular timeslot on September 9th? A veiled reference to fellatio, a speech denouncing abstinence, simulated sex during a musical dance number, and premature ejaculation. For containing explicit sexual content in a show aimed at kids, yet lacking the “S” warning descriptor in the rating, Glee has been named Worst TV Show of the Week.

Well, first of all, I mean... really? It's rated TV-14. Of course it's not appropriate for kids who watch High School Musical. They are mostly NINE years old. Sometimes a show is for teens, and you don't have to get all huffy that it might accidentally be viewed by younger people! "Pre-adolescents," they keep saying. Not many pre-adolescents are watching it, and certainly not younger than, say, eleven-year-olds. But I'm pretty sure they STILL think it's inappropriate for the teens who actually ARE watching it.

The guidance counselor, Emma Pillsbury, catches Rachel vomiting in a bathroom stall. Emma asks, “Rachel, did you just throw up?

“No,” she replies.

“You missed the toilet.”

Rachel responds, “The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.”

“One day, when you're older that'll turn out to be a gift,” Emma states, in a veiled reference to fellatio.

Thank you for pointing out the obvious. Really? You needed that prepositional phrase there? Sorry, that just struck me as funny.

Rachel becomes fed up with the exercise and storms out of the meeting, imparting these supposed words of wisdom: “The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That's what contraception is for…You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do.”
Supposed? Jesus christ, this is one of the awesomest things I've heard a character say on TV, like, ever! Way to be cool, Rachel, seriously! Also, everything she says is TRUE. I don't understand how ANYTHING she said there is bad.... It's all right, and smart. (Oh, and side note, I searched for other parent reviews to see what other people thought of it, and one mother said that the claim about girls' sex drives was "simply not true." Wtf??)

Moreover, the ratings don’t stop the networks from marketing inappropriate content to any demographic they see fit.
Um, like, say... the demographic the show was created for? Teenagers? Are... are they not the ones who are supposed to be watching it, and who are? Um? Isn't it rated PG-14, and isn't it all aimed toward teenagers? I'm confused about what you're saying here, could you enlighten me as to what the fuck you are talking about?

As the saying goes, “You can put lipstick on a pig.” Apparently, you can make it sing and dance, too.

For marketing explicit sexual content to pre-adolescent youth, Glee has been named Worst TV Show of the Week.

As the saying goes, "You can put lipstick on the douchebags, but you'll never be able to pull the sticks out of their asses." Or something like that.

Oh, parents associations. What idiots you are. How you make us laugh. It's good to know you have no power.

Oh, and by the way... the kids watching this... are teenagers... and they enjoy jokes about sex. You know why? Because they're funny. Stop complaining about supposedly "crude" comedy. Just enjoy it why don't you.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Of course,

You have to take it all in context of the time period (Babylonian times). Shamhat is revered and honored for her sexual power. The good part about it as opposed to nowadays is that the sexual politics were less shameful and more simple and talked about -- sex was not taboo as it is today. It was a fact of life and part of being human. However, when you think about it, so far Shamhat is the only woman in the book; it seems that women could only gain recognition for their sexuality. It's also a little disgusting to read about how "great" the city of Uruk is because of all the sexual pleasure it has for men.

So Gilgamesh, having scared his people into treating him as a god, enforces the jus primae noctus. Everyone is aware of this and it is just as much a part of the wedding customs as anything else -- a passing citizen tells Enkidu of Gilgamesh that "since his birth-cord was cut, every girl's hymen has belonged to him." Rightly, of course, Enkidu gets very angry and decides he must put a stop to this. He goes and blocks the way to the marriage bed and fights Gilgamesh. When Gilgamesh beats him, they become friends; apparently now that he has found a friend he doesn't feel the need as much to show his power by abusing it with the brides.

More to come, just talking to myself as I read.

Gilgamesh, Book 1 Moodle

Shamhat is even less than a prostitute; she is not even paid or recognized in any way. She is simply EXPECTED to allow herself to be used for men's sexual pleasure, because it is just a thing she is "supposed" to do according to the rules of her society. She is described as sort of a prostitute for religion -- she's supposed to give herself up as a service to the gods -- again, simply because she's supposed to, not for any reasons for HERSELF. She is serving as Enkidu's gateway into the human, or civilized, world; the relationship has absolutely nothing to do with her, just what she means to Enkidu. She is called "one of the priestesses who give their bodies up to any man, in honor of the goddess" (77). I fail to see how something so degrading can be in "honor" of any FEMALE. Also, in the description she gives of Uruk, she speaks of "the lovely priestesses standing before the temple of Ishtar, chatting and laughing, flushed with sexual joy, and ready to serve men's pleasure" (81). This shows that the society is clearly about hedonism for men, and that even the women themselves have been taught to feel that they exist for men's pleasure.

Another unrelated thing I found interesting was that after having sex, Enkidu "knew things now that an animal can't know" (79). I thought it was strange that they were basically saying that sexuality is a trait specific to human beings, when it seems to be in fact one of the most animalistic things about humans. However, they could be really talking about the "longing for a true friend" (80) that he feels when he sees another human, the realization that he wants human companionship.