Things

1. I didn't mean to imply that my sister isn't really ever sad or depressed, or that her feelings are more shallow than mine. I just meant that the level of concern for her was higher and that made me feel worse. Also, she is a great sister and I talked to her a bit yesterday and at least now I have a little more will to go on - it is like her talking to me gave me an extra spurt of juice that I really, really needed for the day. I probably wouldn't have woken up in the morning on time without her, I would have been too depressed to care about getting to school.

2. She said something about her friend about the "unnameable, vague weight" holding her back. That is basically what I feel.

3. But also empty. So both nonexistent and heavier than anything. This doesn't make sense. My feelings are clearly paradoxical bullshit.

4. I like music. If I listen to it all the time, I'll be happy! Right? I made a ton of mixes. They are good. If I had readers, I would share them with you. (This blog is mental masturbation. It is an interaction with myself only. That is okay though.)

5. I don't know if I want to exist more or less but this is not a nice in between stage.

Current Mix:

A History Of Lovers Iron & Wine

Story Of Isaac (Leonard Cohen) Mirah & The Black Cat Orchestra

The Mariner's Revenge Song The Decemberists

The Sun Goes Down and the World Goes Dancing Magnetic Fields

King Of Carrot Flowers Part 1 Neutral Milk Hotel

Clark Gable The Postal Service

Mary Ann regina spektor

Fairytale Sara Bareilles

Celebration Guns Stars

John Wayne Gacy, Jr. Sufjan Stevens

Failure Laura Marling

Wet Blanket Metric

Margaret vs. Pauline Neko Case

Ride Liz Phair

Ha Ha Mates Of State

Hello Resolven Beulah