WHAT THE HELL. HUGH HEFNER IS NOT A FEMINIST.

I am SO TIRED of false "empowerment" MASQUERADING AS FEMINISM. Didn't you hear, ladies? These days, stripping is *empowered*! It makes you an independent woman! It's not at all degrading to have your body looked at like an object by men; nope, it means you're taking charge of your own life!

This is fucked up in so many ways. Okay, first of all, I'm not putting down sex workers - I think they are in a terrible situation in which society has told them that they must be sexy, but only for the benefit of men. Really, all girls and women are in this situation. Don't you notice how everywhere you look, you're being told to be sexy, but at the same time, you're hearing that if you have sex before marriage you're a skank? Do men get the same message? It doesn't even make sense for men to be glorified for being studs while girls are called whores, because in case anybody didn't notice those men have to be having sex with someone.

In any case, back to Hugh Hefner. So there's this article in the Chicago Tribune, from just a couple of weeks ago. Let me quote a choice paragraph.

And the fullness of Hefner's vision -- the fact that it encompassed more than just provocative photo spreads -- means that Hefner and his opponents, including some major feminists, actually may have been fighting on the same side. Fraterrigo writes: "Playboy's distaste for traditional domestic roles, affirmations of women's right to enjoy sex outside of marriage, and support for women's reproductive freedom all embolden Hefner to assert, quite seriously, a half-century after starting his magazine, 'I was a feminist before there was such a thing as feminism.' "

Let's see... "distaste for traditional domestic roles... affirmations of women's right to enjoy sex outside of marriage... support for women's reproductive freedom." All sounds great, right? Yeah, maybe if you're talking about something that's, y'know, FOR women. Maybe if it's not about women outside of these traditional domestic roles just there to please guys. Maybe if it's something actually ABOUT THE WOMEN. What the fuck, Elizabeth Fraterrigo (author of the "enlightening new book" (Chicago Tribune's words) "Playboy and the Making of the Good Life in Modern America")?? So you're saying women now have a "Good Life" because their sexiness is appreciated? Well guess what, Elizabeth? Women who get pregnant are still going to be called a slut.

Taking the Playboy culture as a sign of women's empowerment -- that women are being appreciated for something besides cooking, cleaning, and babies -- is like giving up.

Once we get an inch, we're not even going to try for the mile we deserve? We're just going to take that and say "well, it's more than we got before! I'm happy being appreciated for my body!" And by the way, that's an attractive (in the eyes of pop culture) woman's privilege, to be able to take this as empowerment. Playboy doesn't celebrate all types of bodies, does it? Lizzie Miller, the "plus-sized" model (looks like a normal person to me) who sat on the cover of Glamour, would never be a Playmate of the Month. And thank god, because she appreciates her body too much for that anyway.

Pseudo-feminists need to realize already that's it's not "taking it too far" too want, y'know, actual appreciation, to not contribute to this disgusting culture in which it's considered empowered to be a centerfold for a porn magazine.

Non-existent readers, I think feminists have a way healthier view of sexuality. Everyone should appreciate themselves as a sexual being, not as a sexual object for someone else. God, I'm just pissed off now.

Being Gay

I call myself gay. If someone says, "Are you gay?" I usually answer "yes." Occasionally I'll say something like "mostly," or "about half." I'm female, and I like girls and guys (and probably would like anyone in between). I'm also quite young. I'm going to now share a quite personal story, because it's important for these sort of stories to be out there, despite people's inhibitions created by society.

I went to an all-girls school for all of my life and was raised mostly unaware of even the idea of sexuality. The concept of "having sex" was explained to me by my older sister at the age of ten. Like most kids, it was gross to me. At eleven my oldest sister told me about homosexuality. I don't remember the details, just that I became aware of it. I asked pretty normal questions, I think, like, "How do they have sex?" (I received the answer "oral sex," which I found befuddling until I worked out that it had to do with using mouths as vaginas and tongues as penises, sort of. That was the impression I got, which I found too horrifying to consider so I ended up pretending oral sex meant French kissing for a while, just to avoid thinking about the other possibility, which was slightly closer to the truth.)

Anyway, I found this extremely intriguing and spent much time thinking about it, knowing somehow that at least one of us four sisters would be gay and knowing somewhere deep down that one of those at least one would be me. The same way girls daydream about boys and kissing, I wondered if I'd kiss my best friend when she visited, whether I'd magically be in love with someone and she'd be in love with me. This never happened, and I remained a romantically unsatisfied young girl, rather usual for an eleven-year-old.

It was when I was twelve, seventh grade in school, that I first fell for a girl. The reasons I loved her were mostly made up. But the facts are that she was new, she was very pretty, she had similar music tastes to mine (something extremely rare for me to find), and I think I had just been looking for someone to go all head-over-heels for. I went to her house once, and then after that I was just awkward and weird and terrible around her. I figured out the whole "oh damn I really like girls" thing, and then it was this... this huge thing, like, it was bothering me so much that it was this huge secret. I went to a Catholic school, I was twelve years old, I had a huge crush on a classmate and I knew it was damn well obvious, and I was lost in a sea of confusion. This occupied my life, taking over my depression and just making it all about this.

So I did what I always thought you were supposed to do, I told my close friends and family. Only to be met with ridicule from my sisters and parents, telling me that I couldn't know who I liked because I hadn't had any sexual experiences. I got so frustrated trying to explain it, that that didn't matter, that I was fucking old enough to know who I would or would not like to date!!!! It was just so unfair. After months of angsting, I "came out" on Myspace and Facebook, which was... well, just plain awkward. Then I kind of pretended none of this had ever happened. I had stopped liking the girl a couple of months after I started, but it had seemed too late, like everybody knew, now that it was over anyway. It was really just a brief infatuation.

By the next year I had realized I can't make a giant deal out of this because (a) I don't need to define myself by my sexuality, and (b) I don't need the hassle. But I think everybody knew, and when we got into arguments with my religion teacher about homosexuality and talked about them at lunch, I think it was just an established fact that I liked girls and guys. I wouldn't say my peers are homophobic, I just think that were a "totally" gay person to go to our school, they would find themselves alienating that person.

So here I am. I'm fifteen, and I think boys are beautiful but I really want a girlfriend. I know this is probably not going to happen. I'm in high school. Here I am, and I'm just going to sit around fantasizing for a few years, most likely. People don't make a big deal out of it at all. But I had a huge argument with my dad today, and I really started this to talk about some of the issues we discussed, and then somehow I launched into story telling time.

Well, I was talking about how the MPAA rating system is bullshit, and how they rate homosexuality a lot harder than heterosexuality - how just the presence of it is enough to be considered "sexual content" even if only kissing is shown. This is obviously true, and obviously an issue, even not in films - look at Buffy the Vampire Slayer, they couldn't show a lesbian kiss for a year, and couldn't imply sex until they changed networks. And my dad completely misinterpreted everything, and such, but I just really think this is related in a lot of ways to how I feel about being told I'm "too young to know."

Homosexuality isn't inherently more sexual than heterosexuality. People don't tell eleven-year-olds they're "too young to know" they like the opposite sex. It's not some "decision." It has nothing to do with sexual encounters, it's just about what you want. (And yes, for the record, my dad things that (a) premenstrual women can't know about their sexuality - bullshit - and (b) a man, for example, who has only had sex with a man cannot claim to be bisexual because he's never been with a woman. Both wrong assumptions, completely missing the point.)

I guess I'm just frustrated. That I can't Be Gay without it being a Giant Deal in Capital Letters that has to do with - gasp - Sex. Like, it really, really doesn't. I mean - it does, of course, but... saying I like girls too doesn't imply that I'm sexually active, that I'm doing inappropriate things for my age, that I'm too sexual. It just means I've actually figured out what I want.

Here's the thing. I'm fifteen. I think dating would be nice. I'm sure most people agree that it's okay for fifteen-year-olds to go out with people their age. I'm not even asking to have sex. I just want to go out with someone, and right now I feel like it being a girl. I'm not even saying that's always going to be my preference - I KNOW it's not.

But this is what I want NOW. And honestly, that's what's important. I want the decisions I make about now to be respected, and not held up to some bullshit idea that I can't know what I want because I'm "too young."

movies i have seen in '09 in theatres

01. (500) Days of Summer (Marc Webb/Scott Neudstater & Michael H. Weber)

02. Whip It (Drew Barrymore/Shauna Cross)

03. Where the Wild Things Are (Spike Jonze/Spike Jonze & Dave Eggers)

04. Pirate Radio (Richard Curtis/Richard Curtis)

05. Away We Go (Sam Mendes/Dave Eggers & Vendela Vida)

06. Taking Woodstock (Ang Lee)

07. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (David Yates)

08. The Princess and the Frog (Ron Clements & John Musker)

09. Nine (Rob Marshall)

10. The Proposal (Anne Fletcher)

11. Julie & Julia (Nora Ephron)

The Subjugation of Women Through Indian Literature

Read my paper here, if you want.

Things

1. I didn't mean to imply that my sister isn't really ever sad or depressed, or that her feelings are more shallow than mine. I just meant that the level of concern for her was higher and that made me feel worse. Also, she is a great sister and I talked to her a bit yesterday and at least now I have a little more will to go on - it is like her talking to me gave me an extra spurt of juice that I really, really needed for the day. I probably wouldn't have woken up in the morning on time without her, I would have been too depressed to care about getting to school.

2. She said something about her friend about the "unnameable, vague weight" holding her back. That is basically what I feel.

3. But also empty. So both nonexistent and heavier than anything. This doesn't make sense. My feelings are clearly paradoxical bullshit.

4. I like music. If I listen to it all the time, I'll be happy! Right? I made a ton of mixes. They are good. If I had readers, I would share them with you. (This blog is mental masturbation. It is an interaction with myself only. That is okay though.)

5. I don't know if I want to exist more or less but this is not a nice in between stage.

Current Mix:

A History Of Lovers Iron & Wine

Story Of Isaac (Leonard Cohen) Mirah & The Black Cat Orchestra

The Mariner's Revenge Song The Decemberists

The Sun Goes Down and the World Goes Dancing Magnetic Fields

King Of Carrot Flowers Part 1 Neutral Milk Hotel

Clark Gable The Postal Service

Mary Ann regina spektor

Fairytale Sara Bareilles

Celebration Guns Stars

John Wayne Gacy, Jr. Sufjan Stevens

Failure Laura Marling

Wet Blanket Metric

Margaret vs. Pauline Neko Case

Ride Liz Phair

Ha Ha Mates Of State

Hello Resolven Beulah

Shit. lots of it.

I was going to write a long post talking about all the reasons I'm depressed but here is what it comes down to: I am so fucking tired of being depressed for the past four and a half years, but just being tired of feeling this way isn't going to change it. And I just keep on digging myself deeper and doing stupid things that make everything worse. And I feel good when I'm out with friends but then everything just sucks and sucks and sucks and keeps sucking. And my dad asks my sister 'why are you so depressed' when she's just really tired and gets mad at me for being 'pissy.' They wonder why I don't open up to them about things, but that's because my dad either dismisses everything as me being a bitch or as just funny and my mom just gets mad about every little thing. He joked about anorexia yesterday. What kind of doctor makes jokes about anorexia?

I want to stop eating and break my body and sleep for hours and hours and hours and days.

I feel this black hole in me and I'm so sick of this feeling. Also my friend in history class is really sweet but I don't want to talk to people because then I just cry and god I am a pest.