Tuesday, January 26, 2010


I like this little chart. It sort of makes me realize how I'm usually striving for the stuff at the top of the pyramid when I haven't yet stabilized the bottom - and forgive a mixed metaphor but you can't build a skyscraper from the top down, right? So I think I should think about how I'm building myself up, think about each level and how I'm meeting, and if not what the results are, and what I can do to fix it.

These are all about my mind and body at the most chemical level. I breathe, so that's good. Food and water. It occurs to me I don't eat or drink well and since that hurts my body's well-being, it hurts the rest of my well-being - like, why do I think I can strive for the things above this when I don't have a stable base?

Sex. Obviously, no I am not having sex, but I don't think that's necessarily something that needs to be "fulfilled" in that way - I think that with age level and maturity level come certain levels of the way that's fulfilled, & maybe just being aware of & appreciative of budding sexuality is all I need because no I am not planning on having sex any time soon. And maybe teenagers are just supposed to masturbate to fulfill this bit. But another possibility is that one of the reasons teenagers are so stressed out is because of their hormones, because they're not sexually fulfilled, because that's a base human desire and because it's socially all weird.

The urge to have sex is so powerful that it can drain psychic energy away from other necessary goals. Therefore every culture has to invest great efforts in rechanneling and restraining it, and many complex social institutions exist only in order to regulate this urge. The saying that "love makes the world go round" is a polite reference to the fact that most of our deeds are impelled, either directly or indirectly, by sexual needs. — Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience

So I don't know about how I feel about that yet, it's just something I'm thinking about/maybe you want to as well. Sleep. Well, obviously, I am kind of a failure at getting that right... Homeostasis and excretion, I think I have down. Looking at all this, I'm realizing the foundation for the rest of my self is weak. It's easy to underestimate the importance of the physical. I guess this is a little lesson to myself and whoever reads this that taking care of yourself physically is important, because it does lay down the baseline for the rest of your day, your week, your life. That you do need to pay attention to that before the rest.

This is about my security in life and not feeling like everything's fragile. Body - as determined by the level below, I don't feel secure in my body - I often feel like it's going to fall apart. This goes with health too. The things like property, resources, employment - don't really apply to me because yes I have parents who have stable employment and provide these things for me. The family is an iffy one because that can go up and down. I realize again that that is important, that that does have to be stably in place. Morality - the idea of safety of morality is interesting, and I'm not sure about that. Am I stable in it because I mostly know where my ethics are; or does having doubts about a few things make me unstable in it? I think I feel safe in the things like home and so on but less so in my body and in my mind.

The social aspect of a human's life is the next level... Friendship - I do think I have this; I don't always feel stable in my relationships with friends but I do have many people I can count on and simply be around. Family - again is an iffy thing with my parents, but at the same time I know they're here for me and I know they love me and I definitely know I have my sisters, and they're my family most of all.

Sexual intimacy - another thing where I think, is psychology invalid or different for teens? (Like when you get treated like a baby at the hospital because you are too young to be an adult.) I mean, this is also something I don't expect to have, but I have a need for like anyone else. That's the weird part about being this age, I think, is that I have sexual want and everything but know rationally that sex is just not something I am going to be having, and in a rational way I don't want it, I just have the 'deficiency' like Maslow calls it, like anyone else. And I feel like maybe it's about being comfortable with myself, again; this emotional need might be easier to satisfy alone than the physiological.

The thing about this section is that looking at it, I do have friendship and family and I'm mostly socially fulfilled for someone my age. But here is what Wikipedia says:
In the absence of these elements, many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression.
All things which I am, in fact, susceptible to, and have had at many times and continue to have. So I wonder why, despite having these needs fulfilled, I've still got those. I guess it's something internal. I feel disappointed that this is raising more questions than it answers...

At this point, I really don't want to look at the top two too closely, let alone go into detailed introspective paragraphs here right now. Because looking at them just fills my head with stress & questions.

What I'm going to is try to fulfill these base needs, during the next week or so, thinking very consciously about how, as I go up the pyramid in my mind right now, I get even weaker with each level, trying to build a strong foundation for eventual, hopefully, self-actualization. It's just... I can't go to therapy because of Dr. Asshole -- I never told you, blog, about Dr. Asshole, but let's just stay he's still in my dreams & the eyes of my mind & hurts me; also, here is a little reminder to anyone who goes to a therapist: if at any time you feel uncomfortable, remember it is YOUR GODDAMN MEETING and YOUR MONEY and you can leave at any time. It took me forty-five minutes to remember that with this doctor and had I found my voice earlier, I would be the better for it now. But I digress... I can't go to therapy, but that doesn't mean I can't try to better myself and become happier and all anyway. And I just realize how goddamn important it is for my body to feel like a good thing to live inside because right now it feels weak as hell. And does my self.

So I'm trying... Also, sister who fell asleep after yoga, I don't know what that means but I want you to be ok too & that is why I used this diagram I found on your Facebook page and wrote about it because. Because I don't know...

Also I realized I have followers now. Comments are GREAT, peeps.



I'd like to thank you for posting this. it totally helps with organizing my priorities in life right now. I don't have any spectacular comments to make but I must say that most of the time everyone's striving for the top of the triangle with the exception of the elderly. After reading this I only just realized that the constant nagging that I get from the elder beings around me about my food and health makes a lot of sense, almost too much now. They have enough experience to know that if you're body's not happy then you're mind and heart sure as hell won't be.
Also, I've had the misfortune of having sexual experiences at a very early age (I'm 17 btw). It does make a person feel almost complete. I mean, it's hard to find yourself feeling down whilst you're sexually active,especially as a hormone raging teenager but it still is dangerous with the std's and whatnot and it's quite easy to become addicted. Still, I felt that it was wrong so I broke of those 'relationships' and have remained sex free for some years now but the constant craving is pretty tough to handle. The one itch I can't and won't scratch till...well idk...it depends on circumstance I suppose. The best thing to do is to occupy oneself with as many activities as possible. believe me, it's possible to forget that there's even such a thing and you won't feel like psychic energy is being drained from necessary goals. It's the goals that drain your psychic energy from the unnecessary ones. :)

ps: I have no idea why I just told you ALL of that. My train of thought went in that direction. Idk if it's worth anything...

freddy-may said...

No, thank you for that! I love when I write things that get people telling me about their lives... I definitely get that it can seem like the only, most important thing. I try to just enjoy myself other ways, but like you said there's the craving. But I don't plan to "scratch" it for a while.

freddy-may said...

Oh, and I finally got both some goddamn sleep and some social interaction this weekend. WIN!


That's really good. My weekends are occupied by art classes and homework...it never ends. :)

Yeh, the craving's a bitch but you seem like a pretty disciplined person.


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