Thursday, January 21, 2010

You know that awful feeling when you know you've failed?

And I don't mean "oh god everyone, I failed that"... not the kind where you're commiserating with your friends. The kind where you're all alone. Where you're sitting there counting the points for each question and thinking how many you could possibly have gotten. You're sitting there with an eraser and a pencil and there's nothing you can do because you just don't fucking know this. You've bullshitted the best you can. And that's it. That's all you can do. You turn in the test. You sit at your desk. And if you don't have a laptop in school like I do, you don't blog about it, you put your head down and pretend not to cry, or you draw stupid, emo pictures in your notebook. And you think you could have bullshitted a little better on some of the questions, but it's too late now. You just have to sit there feeling all alone.

And you know those times when your body seems to fail you? Those times when your head is itching and you think you might have lice. And you think you have a urinary tract infection and you're embarrassed to tell your parents so they can take you to the doctor, because they are doctors and you're afraid they'll tell you it was your fault. And you have an ulcer where your new braces cut you because someone hit you in the face with a basketball, by accident, yeah, but it still bled. And you're just tired all the time and you don't know why.

And you know those times when you keep trying and you keep losing? When it feels like you're not getting anything right, and everyone is mocking you.

Well. Maybe you don't know those times - maybe it's because I'm pretty sure an audience of about two people reads this; maybe it's because I'm just as alone as I thought. Or maybe because I got a little bit specific with the whole UTI and lice thing. But that's besides the point. And no, the point isn't self-indulgence, I promise!

I guess I'm just tired of having so much shit to figure out. I guess I could use some advice... like what do you do? How do you get your head to work? Take care of yourself? Probably there is no answer. A therapist can't help. (Dr. Burka's face and voice still stuck in my mind, haunting my dreams & meshing into my dad & my orthodontist & my teachers. Messing me up. Sometimes I want to go back, just to yell at him. What it is about him I don't know. I never thought I was the crazy girl who's afraid of a therapist.)

God, I'm not depressed. I'm just feeling crappy right now, probably because it's 12:30pm and I've been up since 3:30. Bad idea. Anyway. I've got a ribbon in my hair!


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