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Needs

I like this little chart. It sort of makes me realize how I'm usually striving for the stuff at the top of the pyramid when I haven't yet stabilized the bottom - and forgive a mixed metaphor but you can't build a skyscraper from the top down, right? So I think I should think about how I'm building myself up, think about each level and how I'm meeting, and if not what the results are, and what I can do to fix it.

Physiological

These are all about my mind and body at the most chemical level. I breathe, so that's good. Food and water. It occurs to me I don't eat or drink well and since that hurts my body's well-being, it hurts the rest of my well-being - like, why do I think I can strive for the things above this when I don't have a stable base?

Sex. Obviously, no I am not having sex, but I don't think that's necessarily something that needs to be "fulfilled" in that way - I think that with age level and maturity level come certain levels of the way that's fulfilled, & maybe just being aware of & appreciative of budding sexuality is all I need because no I am not planning on having sex any time soon. And maybe teenagers are just supposed to masturbate to fulfill this bit. But another possibility is that one of the reasons teenagers are so stressed out is because of their hormones, because they're not sexually fulfilled, because that's a base human desire and because it's socially all weird.

The urge to have sex is so powerful that it can drain psychic energy away from other necessary goals. Therefore every culture has to invest great efforts in rechanneling and restraining it, and many complex social institutions exist only in order to regulate this urge. The saying that "love makes the world go round" is a polite reference to the fact that most of our deeds are impelled, either directly or indirectly, by sexual needs. — Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience

So I don't know about how I feel about that yet, it's just something I'm thinking about/maybe you want to as well. Sleep. Well, obviously, I am kind of a failure at getting that right... Homeostasis and excretion, I think I have down. Looking at all this, I'm realizing the foundation for the rest of my self is weak. It's easy to underestimate the importance of the physical. I guess this is a little lesson to myself and whoever reads this that taking care of yourself physically is important, because it does lay down the baseline for the rest of your day, your week, your life. That you do need to pay attention to that before the rest.

Safety

This is about my security in life and not feeling like everything's fragile. Body - as determined by the level below, I don't feel secure in my body - I often feel like it's going to fall apart. This goes with health too. The things like property, resources, employment - don't really apply to me because yes I have parents who have stable employment and provide these things for me. The family is an iffy one because that can go up and down. I realize again that that is important, that that does have to be stably in place. Morality - the idea of safety of morality is interesting, and I'm not sure about that. Am I stable in it because I mostly know where my ethics are; or does having doubts about a few things make me unstable in it? I think I feel safe in the things like home and so on but less so in my body and in my mind.

Love/Belonging

The social aspect of a human's life is the next level... Friendship - I do think I have this; I don't always feel stable in my relationships with friends but I do have many people I can count on and simply be around. Family - again is an iffy thing with my parents, but at the same time I know they're here for me and I know they love me and I definitely know I have my sisters, and they're my family most of all.

Sexual intimacy - another thing where I think, is psychology invalid or different for teens? (Like when you get treated like a baby at the hospital because you are too young to be an adult.) I mean, this is also something I don't expect to have, but I have a need for like anyone else. That's the weird part about being this age, I think, is that I have sexual want and everything but know rationally that sex is just not something I am going to be having, and in a rational way I don't want it, I just have the 'deficiency' like Maslow calls it, like anyone else. And I feel like maybe it's about being comfortable with myself, again; this emotional need might be easier to satisfy alone than the physiological.

The thing about this section is that looking at it, I do have friendship and family and I'm mostly socially fulfilled for someone my age. But here is what Wikipedia says:

In the absence of these elements, many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression.

All things which I am, in fact, susceptible to, and have had at many times and continue to have. So I wonder why, despite having these needs fulfilled, I've still got those. I guess it's something internal. I feel disappointed that this is raising more questions than it answers...

At this point, I really don't want to look at the top two too closely, let alone go into detailed introspective paragraphs here right now. Because looking at them just fills my head with stress & questions.

What I'm going to is try to fulfill these base needs, during the next week or so, thinking very consciously about how, as I go up the pyramid in my mind right now, I get even weaker with each level, trying to build a strong foundation for eventual, hopefully, self-actualization. It's just... I can't go to therapy because of Dr. Asshole -- I never told you, blog, about Dr. Asshole, but let's just stay he's still in my dreams & the eyes of my mind & hurts me; also, here is a little reminder to anyone who goes to a therapist: if at any time you feel uncomfortable, remember it is YOUR GODDAMN MEETING and YOUR MONEY and you can leave at any time. It took me forty-five minutes to remember that with this doctor and had I found my voice earlier, I would be the better for it now. But I digress... I can't go to therapy, but that doesn't mean I can't try to better myself and become happier and all anyway. And I just realize how goddamn important it is for my body to feel like a good thing to live inside because right now it feels weak as hell. And does my self.

So I'm trying... Also, sister who fell asleep after yoga, I don't know what that means but I want you to be ok too & that is why I used this diagram I found on your Facebook page and wrote about it because. Because I don't know...

Also I realized I have followers now. Comments are GREAT, peeps.

Heroes...

We had to do this for English. I added some stuff at the end that I didn't want to say in my assignment.

What does it mean to be a hero? What qualities are important to heroism today? Do you have a hero? Describe him/her.

I think the definition of a hero is someone who does what’s right, regardless of the sacrifice he or she has to make. A hero has integrity and tries to determine the right choice in any given situation, always makes the right choice, and always helps others. But I don’t think any person in history has ever been a hero all around. There simply is no person who doesn’t think about themselves when faced with problems, because self-sustainment is one of the natural guiding forces. And nobody can always tell the right choice, and even those who can don’t necessarily choose it every time. So I don’t necessarily think that a hero always does the right thing all the time. A hero is just a regular person who has done something good enough that in the minds of other people, they can be idealized. A hero is an idea that people need to keep going, to give themselves an idea of a great, powerful, perfect person. In the episode “Jaynestown” of the show Firefly, Jayne is a folk hero for a planet of poor workers, even though the only reason they idealize him is because he accidentally dropped a bunch of money on them. After they learn this, they don’t care; he’s still their hero. Mal says, “It's my estimation that every man ever got a'statue made of him was one kind of sommbitch or another. Ain't about you, Jayne. 'Bout what they need.” What he’s saying is that no matter what faults he may have, and even though he didn’t do something selfless at all, the idea of Jayne is still a hero in their minds. This is probably the reason why many epic heroes have huge faults and yet are still exalted; people need something to believe in. I’ve had different heroes at different times in my life. Like anyone else, I need someone to look up to. I guess my sister is kind of my hero. She’s strong and independent, and she really makes something of her life. She’s also helped me through lots of hard things, and I can pretty much turn to her whenever. I really admire her in a lot of ways because of how smart and empowered she is. She’s sort of my fearless leader. I wouldn't be a feminist without her, probably; she's always helped me to open my eyes just a little wider and look at the world just a little harder. I'm so glad she's been here to help me out, because where would I be without her?

Fading?

I loved the story Menelaus told about capturing the Old Man of the Sea and learning what happened to his brother. The passage in which Menelaus tells about Agamemnon’s death and Menelaus reacts is just really moving; the way he keeps on weeping and has no desire to move on with someone he loves so much just completely gone is so true to life in how it feels when someone close to you dies. And then Proteus tells him that weeping won’t do any good, instead, he has to be strong so he can hurry home and kill Aegisthus, if Orestes hasn’t already. This is something people don’t want to hear when someone has died – it’s hard to realize that somehow you have to move on when it feels like your world has ended. I mean, that’s how I feel when someone I know dies, as though there’s no possible way I can do anything anymore because they’re gone – like what am I supposed to do now? I think that the period of weeping and then how he “felt my heart, my old pride, for all my grieving, glow once more in my chest” (142) is exaggerated in how fast he manages to moves on, and it represents the longer cycle of grief people go through. Like most epic stories, the dramatic tales mirror something less exciting that happens in real life. For example, most people, when they realize they have to move on from their grief, instead of getting ready to go get revenge on their brother’s murderer, simply have to find the strength to go through everyday life.

OK, so I liked that passage so much I blathered on a bit. Anyway, back to the questions. We learn that Menelaus obviously loved his brother very much, and despite being a great warrior, like all humans has a heart that grieves deeply. He’s not immune to feeling depressed about the loss of his brother, and that’s something I like about heroes like him and Gilgamesh; they are shown to be just as human as everyone once someone dies. Its significance to the story isn’t really in exposing what happened to Agamemnon – we’ve already heart it like a hundred times. (That said, I think this telling of it was the most evocative and I think it should have been saved for this moment and maybe only vaguely alluded to earlier in the book… oh well.) I think its significance is more in hearing it from his brother, and in hearing how it affected him. It reminds us, like I said, that heroes are human too. We don’t really learn much new information, since the story’s been repeated so much; we do learn about Greek culture though. I think what it says about the culture is that family is really important and that brothers have really strong love for each other, that they’re considered the most important thing in each others’ lives. It also shows that vengeance is considered very honorable in the wake of murder. The god Proteus actually urges him to kill Aegisthus because of what he did.

My grandmother died and because I don't know what that means, I don't know what to do. Maybe when you have blind faith you can say things like "she's in a better place" and "now she's moved on" but I don't know what happened to her. If I don't know what life is I know even less what death is. I just don't know what I am supposed to say or do or think.

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You know that awful feeling when you know you've failed?

And I don't mean "oh god everyone, I failed that"... not the kind where you're commiserating with your friends. The kind where you're all alone. Where you're sitting there counting the points for each question and thinking how many you could possibly have gotten. You're sitting there with an eraser and a pencil and there's nothing you can do because you just don't fucking know this. You've bullshitted the best you can. And that's it. That's all you can do. You turn in the test. You sit at your desk. And if you don't have a laptop in school like I do, you don't blog about it, you put your head down and pretend not to cry, or you draw stupid, emo pictures in your notebook. And you think you could have bullshitted a little better on some of the questions, but it's too late now. You just have to sit there feeling all alone.

And you know those times when your body seems to fail you? Those times when your head is itching and you think you might have lice. And you think you have a urinary tract infection and you're embarrassed to tell your parents so they can take you to the doctor, because they are doctors and you're afraid they'll tell you it was your fault. And you have an ulcer where your new braces cut you because someone hit you in the face with a basketball, by accident, yeah, but it still bled. And you're just tired all the time and you don't know why.

And you know those times when you keep trying and you keep losing? When it feels like you're not getting anything right, and everyone is mocking you.

Well. Maybe you don't know those times - maybe it's because I'm pretty sure an audience of about two people reads this; maybe it's because I'm just as alone as I thought. Or maybe because I got a little bit specific with the whole UTI and lice thing. But that's besides the point. And no, the point isn't self-indulgence, I promise!

I guess I'm just tired of having so much shit to figure out. I guess I could use some advice... like what do you do? How do you get your head to work? Take care of yourself? Probably there is no answer. A therapist can't help. (Dr. Burka's face and voice still stuck in my mind, haunting my dreams & meshing into my dad & my orthodontist & my teachers. Messing me up. Sometimes I want to go back, just to yell at him. What it is about him I don't know. I never thought I was the crazy girl who's afraid of a therapist.)

God, I'm not depressed. I'm just feeling crappy right now, probably because it's 12:30pm and I've been up since 3:30. Bad idea. Anyway. I've got a ribbon in my hair!